Facts About Your Face

The Fourth Fact About Your Face

2010-04-27T22:05:00.000-07:00

Your face is smart...

...ON OPPOSITE DAY!

It should be noted that there is no historical record of Opposite Day ever being officially observed by any nation.

Face The Facts (About Your Face)

2009-04-25T02:51:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I've bothered to update because your stupid faces have been unwilling to be confronted by the facts. They say that ignorance is bliss, but you will never find bliss so long as mirrors exist. A broken mirror may bring you seven years bad luck, yet you would feel like the luckiest person alive if you broke every mirror in existence. What you don't realize, or are unwilling to accept, is the realization that this would only be a fleeting feeling, as it would slowly dawn on you that eyes give a reflection much stronger than any mirror, and every gaze would be telling you that your face is stupid. May God have mercy on your souls, because he certainly didn't have any on your faces!

Merchandising Idea!

2009-02-18T17:18:00.000-08:00

Remember those shirts that said "I'm With Stupid" and then had an arrow pointing to someone around the wearer? Well I will make MASKS that say that and have that!

Also, I will refer to my masks as faceshirts. I will refer to them as that A LOT! I will walk up to people and ask "What do you think of my super sweet faceshirt?" but they will be crying too hard to respond because my faceshirt has just exposed them to a painful truth.

Disclaimer:
-This product may cause individuals to cry uncontrollably as it exposes them to the painful truth that their face is stupid.

Product Disclaimers

2009-02-11T17:22:00.000-08:00

The Red Blood of Jesus Prayerkerchief
-will not wipe the stupid off of your face.

Snuggies
-will free your hands for fluid remote channel interactions, but will also still leave your stupid face exposed to the world.

NuvaRing
-may help prevent future generations of stupid faces from exiting your uterus, but has no effect on faces already in existence.

Kinoki Foot Pads
-should probably just go ahead and be placed on your face. (Wait. That wasn't a disclaimer, was it?)

ShamWow
-kills Scientologists. (Disclaimer or endorsement? Either way your face is still stupid!)

The Bedazzler
-totally will NOT make your jacket look stupid.

A Quick Reminder

2009-02-04T19:15:00.000-08:00

Your face is stupid!

I was afraid you might have forgotten that. Did you forget? If you did, I'm glad I was here to help you remember because it is stupid.

Still.

And for all eternity.

Seriously.

Forever.

Do you have anything to eat? I'm kinda hungry. I think I'm going to go grab some food now.

But don't forget about the whole stupid face thing. It's important!

Missed Connections

2009-01-28T17:39:00.000-08:00

That one club or something - m4w

You were at that one club or possibly somewhere else last night. I kept noticing you but never got up the nerve to speak to you.

Me - Tall, thin, dark hair, wearing black t-shirt and jeans

You - Stupid face

I'm hoping maybe you'll see this and respond. Although your face is stupid, your body seemed fully qualified to serve a certain purpose.

Location: The Internet
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

A Diagram of Your Face

2009-01-21T18:40:00.000-08:00

An oversight!

2009-01-14T17:42:00.000-08:00

I've shared some crucial lessons with you all since I began this blog, namely that your face is stupid, but I've thus far neglected to mention one very important thing and that is...

YOUR MOM!

That's right. I've spoken with her and she acknowledges that your face is stupid. She claims that you got that all from your father's side of the family, but, frankly, I'm not convinced.

The New Year

2009-01-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

You might have noticed that there wasn't an update last week or you might have been too busy ringing in the new year with a high blood-alcohol level to care. Either way, I had decided to begin my New Year's resolution to stop informing you of the stupidity of your face a whole day early. I mean, yes, it's true that your face is incredibly stupid, from the idiocy of your bone structure all the way to the dumb way you fix your hair, but you all must gotten that by now, right? Was I just becoming redundant? Were my important lessons no longer needed? I feared so. Facts About Your Face would be no more!

But in the following days as I walked around this brave new world of 2009 I saw many faces naively unaware of their inherent stupidity. I was alarmed! The greatest defense against your enemies is to know your weakness and your major weakness is clearly your face. I must educate the people! I have a moral obligation! My work must go on!

YOUR FACE IS STUPID!!!!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T20:00:00.000-08:00

Is Santa's face stupid? It's difficult to judge under the awesomeness of his beard. Your beard, on the other hand, is extremely stupid and only serves to increase the already overwhelming stupidity of the rest of your face.

Fake Update

2008-12-17T16:55:00.000-08:00

My brain is feeling as stupid as your face today. I'll have some new facts next week.

The Third Fact About Your Face

2008-12-10T14:07:00.000-08:00

Your face also resembles a butt. The butt it resembles is quite stupid!

A Joke

2008-12-03T13:59:00.000-08:00

A Learned Man: Knock-Knock.

You: Who's there?

A Learned Man: Your face.

You: Your face who?

A Learned Man: Your face is stupid!

The Second Fact About Your Face

2008-11-26T14:11:00.000-08:00

Your face is still stupid!

The First Fact About Your Face

2008-11-19T16:32:00.000-08:00

Your face is stupid!